December 10, 2018

The Tale of The Beam: A Cautionary and Epistolary Discourse for the Burgeoning Contractor

by Alan Beatts

May XXth, 2018

Dear Mr. Welder,

It was a pleasure meeting you today and having the chance to check the rough set-up for the I-beam you are fabricating for me.  I was doubly glad to visit so that I could draw your attention to the following:

The three pairs of tabs for the posts were all something other than the specified 5 1/2" apart.  Since this dimension is critical if the posts are going to fit properly, I appreciate your attention to their correct spacing.  Though I respect the artistic "organic" quality of spacing each pair at a unique distance, I would prefer a more "mechanical" or even "precise" interpretation of the work.

The holes in those tabs were located a very precise inch lower than specified.  Though I'm sure that you, as a welder, and I, as a bookseller, are both correct that it's not an important consideration; Matthew, as a structural engineer, does not seem to agree and so I think we should subjugate our shared opinion to his.

There was also the pesky matter that the tabs for the middle post (along with the associated reinforcements) were located more than the indicated distance from the joint between the two sections of beam.  Though I'm sure that the planned connection of that joint by three 7/8" bolts will perfectly match the strength of the rest of the beam (the full height and 18-lbs-per-foot of hot-rolled steel), it seems that Matthew, spoil sport that he is, thinks that it would be wise for the joint to be supported by a post that is located _close_ to the joint.

I'm very glad that the final welding had not been completed and so it will be "easy", as you assured me, to correct these oversights.  Though you have informed me that there is, currently, in your possession, the full set of engineering drawings that I provided at the beginning of the job, please don't hesitate to ask for another copy if needed.

Warmly,
Alan Beatts

May XXth, 2018

Dear Mr. Welder,

I was very excited to accept delivery today of the complete I-beam.  All 22 feet of it is a work of art.  In places, perhaps a bit more of the Brutalist school than I might prefer, but I do agree that the razor-sharp edges of the cut sections inspire the sort of caution that is wise when dealing with an object as potentially dangerous as a 400 lb mass of steel.  Likewise, the rough burrs around all the drilled holes convey the essential . . . beastliness of the work.  And, I'm sure they'll add a degree of security when the bolts are tightened -- much like a lock-washer.

It is my pleasure to send the final payment for your work.

All Best,
Alan


May XXth, 2018

Dear Mr. Welder,

It is with some concern that I write you today.  Yesterday I had the necessary assistance to line up the two beam sections and perform a trial assembly.  It was with confusion and consternation that I discovered that it was not within my ability to fit more than one of the three connecting bolts through their holes at once.  As a bookseller, my first thought that it was a failure in my technique in placing round pegs through round holes but, after some trail and error along with much consideration, I concluded that, rather than a weakness in my technique, it was a more straightforward matter -- no pair of holes, let alone the full trio, lined up.

I must wonder, at this point, if there is a technique (known very well by booksellers as well as by a diverse assortment of other trades) that you, as a welder, are unaware of.  Specifically that, if three holes must line up through two pieces of metal, the best approach is to . . . CLAMP BOTH GODDAMN PIECES TOGETHER AND DRILL THEM LIKE THAT!

I hope that you will be able to address this concern since, without it being corrected, the artwork you have delivered is only slightly less useful than a boat anchor.

Sincerely,
Mr. Alan Beatts


May XXth, 2018

Dear Mr. Welder

I was pleased to meet your staff yesterday when they came by to drill the connecting holes (oversized and in alignment) between the two beam segments.  I'm sure that we were both relieved when the structural engineer said that it would be acceptable to increase the bolt size from 7/8" to a full one inch.

It was with some pride that I was able to contribute to the success of the endeavor.  After returning to the shop for some tools they had forgotten (a pleasant break for me, since it gave me time to sit in quiet contemplation of my (or perhaps I should say "our") I-beam without the distractions of any of the other work I had to do that day) they afforded me not one, not even two, but three opportunities to assist them.  First, I was thrilled to point out to them that the (rented) drill that they were using was equipped with a magnetic base, the use of which stopped the drill from dancing around on the work piece like a deranged dervish.

After that, I was able to provide them with a requested lubricant, since they had neglected to bring some with them.  I did have some doubts about their choice, WD40, since it is flammable and, as such, seemed a poor idea for high temperature drilling.  But, as a mere bookseller, it didn't seem my place to comment on this.

And, I'm so glad I didn't say anything, because my silence provided my third and final chance to be helpful.  There is a deep satisfaction derived from standing by, with a fire extinguisher, ready to act at a moment's notice to prevent damage to our work of art -- The Beam of Eye (as I have taken to calling it).  The possibility that I might, if the mood took me and they didn't run too fast, also be able to put out your flaming associates was merely the icing on the cake.

I'm filled with anticipation for the trial assembly tomorrow.

Regards,
Alan Beatts


May XXth, 2018

Dear Mr. Welder,

The connecting plate was welded out of alignment.  When bolted together, the Blessed Beam of Eye is crooked.  I am disconsolate.  Please help.

Sincerely and Sadly,
Alan


June XXth, 2018

Dear Mr. Welder,

It was lovely to see you, albeit for only a short visit.  When you came to sweep the Beam of Eye off to your shop to correct its deficiency in the straightness department, I was both saddened and relieved.  I've become quite fond of it over the course of our association and the place seemed empty and strangely easy to navigate without its darkly gleaming length across my job site.  But, knowing that it will soon return, better than before, lifted my spirits.

All Best,
Alan


June XXth, 2018

Dear Mr. Welder,

I hope you are well.  I've called many times but you have not answered your phone.  I've left messages, but you have not returned them.  I hope that you've not fallen under the shadow of some terrible illness or been injured in some accident.  I continue to wait, calmly but with some concern, for the return of our beloved Beam of Eye.

Warmly,
Alan


July XXth, 2018

Dear Mr. Welder,

As I think back to yesterday, my face is transfigured by a warm smile when I think of our meeting.  I'm sure it was only your momentary confusion at seeing such a familiar visage, after so long, that drove the sequence of expressions that flashed across your face when I removed my motorcycle helmet at the entrance to your shop.  The rapidity with which you collected yourself is a testament to the deep fellow feeling that we share and your desire to not make me feel, for even a moment, forgotten or ignored.

Your profuse and rapid explanations of travel, broken equipment, tight deadlines and the sad matter of your dog having eaten your cell phone -- all this only cemented my conviction that you were not, in any way, hoping that, if you ignored me enough, I would just go away.

I will look forward to the delivery next week of our Beam of Eye, perfect, shining, and, most of all, correctly welded.  But, if that doesn't happen, I'm consoled by the thought that we'll be seeing each other frequently over the next month.  Very frequently.  At your shop and, perhaps, at your home. And, possibly, in court.

Sincerely,
Alan Beatts


July XXth, 2018

Dear Mr. Welder,

What I lovely beam we have made, you and I.  It hangs in the basement now, almost ready to be inspected and then locked in place with yards and yards of concrete.  This has been a journey, for both of us.  And now, in future, when people ask me, "Do you know a good welder?" I can say with absolute confidence:  "Hell No."

Sincerely,
Alan Beatts

Author's Note:  As a good friend told me years ago, "Don't let tawdry truths spoil a good story".  The facts above have been altered for the sake of the narrative but they have not, as much as I might wish, been exaggerated at all.  The take-away -- don't finish paying 'til the job is installed and passes inspection.

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